Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Transvestite Stole My Chicken's Pumpkin Pies

So its been a long-ass time since I've updated this thang. I sincerely apologize to my multitude of readers out there (not!) haha

I have a funny story to tell you.
Okay SO, remember how I lived in a cult for almost a year only a short while ago?
Well, I went to visit them last weekend because one of my friends (in the cult/community) was getting married and I wanted to help with decorations and give her some sex tips (since they marry as virgins and have never so much as HUGGED each other until the night of their wedding).
So, I go over there to help out and of course, I see my friend John, who is a 40-something year old ex-language professor from Baltimore. He "gave up his life" about 2 years ago in order to join the community and follow Yashuah (the Hebrew name for Jesus) but he's still really down-to-earth and even slightly irreverent- which is why we got along so well.  He is really smart and has the same sardonic sense of humor that I do. 

And somewhere between telling my friend about the birds and the bees and trying to get the smell of weed and alcohol out of the honeymoon cabin (a little house down the street from the cult that had been previously occupied by drug dealers from Siam) I ended up outside in the mud and rain, in the dark, helping John load rotting deer guts into a warm refrigerator.

Okay, so I was holding the flashlight for him while he loaded rotting deer guts into a warm refrigerator in the rain.
Apparently, someone had given him the fridge (and the guts) for his chickens to eat. One one condition: he had to move the fridge from behind the barn that night- which was especially muddy and rainy and dark. So somehow I ended up out there lighting up for him the night with a dim pocket flashlight that hardly even worked.

And meanwhile, he's telling me about how this transvestite dude who just joined the cult had broken into his chicken's habitat in order to steal some expired pumpkin pies that he had planned on feeding them. When John caught him, he told him to stop but the transvestite just yelled at him "SURRENDER THE PIES" and ran off with them. Apparently, he had tried feeding them to some of the community children but was stopped by their mothers who didn't want their kids getting food poisoning from eating some expired pumpkin pies that had been sitting in a chicken coop for over 18 hours.

And now you know why I miss living in the community sometimes.


  1. well, that is an adventure! i wonder if the expired pies have some "special properties" that the safe pies don't... i wonder how adventursome i feel like being this weekend? =)

  2. yeah they probably give you special powers or something- like laser vision...
    but even so, we couldn't just have a bunch of kids running around with laser vision, could we?